Why it's hard to plan a wedding with a deceased parent.

top pic: A classic pic of my dad and I together at 1 month old.

bottom pic: Cecilio and I at Ocean Beach in SF, 5 months of dating

I am writing in honor of today, as it is my dad's 3rd year death anniversary (Also, today is Super Bowl, and he would've been so all over it since he has always been a die-hard sports fan). I am thankful for all of the memories we have had together and as a family. I am happy to watch my mom heal, and her trying to move on with her life, though I know he will always have a special place in her heart.

I have been one of those girls who dreamed of her wedding since she was little (thanks, Disney movies), and I always wanted my dad to be my prince. I know, I know, but I was 5 years old. Cecilio and I have been moving forward with planning. We booked the deposits for our church ceremony and hotel reception, and we are going to meet with our photographer next month. I am hoping to start seriously shopping for my dress next month as well. It is a happy moment in our life, but I can't help but feel like something is missing at times with my dad not being around. I remember almost tearing up during our engagement party, and my niece's friend did a video montage of Cecilio and I, seeing that baby picture of me there.

Here's a few things I will miss about him during the planning and the wedding:

1. Walking me down the aisle.
We all agreed that my mom will be the one to walk me down the aisle. Still, I can't help but feel a tinge of envy when I see brides with their dads, "giving them away" to their future husbands. I know, it's a very old tradition especially when marriage was about business and not love, and the fathers transferred "ownership" of his daughter to the husband. I understand, and even as a feminist, I still find that being walked down the aisle with a father in present sweet and endearing (especially because in modern Western times, it's about love and the woman choosing who she wants to marry). I could just picture my dad beaming with pride at Cecilio, and I remember how much they got along so well.

2. Buffering between my mom and I.
I love my mom to death. And I am so happy she is excited with the planning too. But she has stated numerous times that she is going to put her input about certain things. She always has had a strong, opinionated personality, and I can sense that our tastes in decor, attire, cake, etc. will clash. I know that she also wants to impress her friends (who have high-class taste) and our relatives with the wedding. My dad was temperamental at times too, but he always came to my rescue when my mom would get really angry with me or lecture me for a long time. I think he would go with the flow and be agreeable with my vision for the wedding. He also was the type that didn't follow crowds or tradition. But I understand why my mom would be like this: moms envision a wedding they never had upon their daughters. My sister got married at 19 and it was really small (she actually wanted to elope, but her in-laws insisted to have a wedding, and she hated 80% of the guests). My younger sister has autism. So I am the one that will have that nice, fancy wedding in our immediate family, though some feathers will be ruffled.

3. Bonding with his friends and family.
Both of my cousins in Vancouver (on his side) got married, and I was a bridesmaid for both of them. They are his eldest sister's (my Tita Gigi) kids. And I am inviting them (I even asked my cousin if her daughter can be the flower girl). In Filipino weddings, the bride and groom have "sponsors": those who serve as new godparents to the couple who will support, witness, and bless the couple during the ceremony. I am having Tita Gigi and my dad's best friend, Tito Bolet, be sponsors. He had a strong core of friends he would have parties and get togethers with, so I am inviting them too. I know everyone will be delighted to come, but it is still just not the same. I feel that way, and I know they all feel that way.

4. Bonding with Cecilio.
Like I said in #1, I liked seeing my dad and Cecilio get along really well. He had so much respect and admiration for Cecilio: how he treated me, how smart and well-spoken he was, etc. Cecilio told me how one of the times I was really sick and was asleep for a long time, and they watched a western movie together. That was totally endearing to me. They were very much alike (introverted, smart, loves sports, politics, and music) but polar opposite: my dad loved the SF 49ers, Giants, and LA Lakers. Cecilio is a hardcore Oakland Raider, A's, and Golden State Warrior fan; my dad was staunchly conservative (more fiscally, not socially. He never said anything against gay or women's rights, thankfully), and Cecilio is a bleeding heart liberal...in a good way, he influenced me to go left :) Anyway, it is difficult seeing that there will no longer be that special bond between father-in-law and husband.

5. Witnessing special milestones for all of us.
I am thankful he got to witness my high school graduation. I am sure he would've been so proud of all of my accomplishments, especially graduating college despite all of my hospitalizations and lupus-flareups (I only started getting sicker during the last few years of his life). To me, the wedding symbolizes another big change and milestone most parents want to be a part of. And to me, it would've shown how much he and my mom raised all of us well.

I know that even though he's not here on Earth with us, he will be in spirit especially on our day. Enjoy and take care of your parents while you can. There have been times where we fought, and I took him for granted, and I wish I didn't. I feel the same way with my mom too. Though she and I butt heads a lot, I want to make sure every moment with her is not wasted.